Messages Meme

[strange_complex]

Taken from megamole:

Leave a list of characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. It is your friends list's mission, should they choose to accept it, to write you an in-character "letter" from a character on that list. Then they post their own list in their journal and the process continues!

I'm interpreting 'character' as historical or fictional, because there are too many of both kinds I don't want to have to leave out. And, indeed, some rather bridge the two categories, as you will see.

1. Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus This-that-and-the-other....
2. Leela from Futurama
3. Christopher Chant
4. Alessandro Moreschi
5. Severus Snape
6. Odysseus
7. Reginald Jeeves
8. Marcus Tullius Cicero
9. Georg Frideric Händel
10. Lord Summerisle

(the_lady_lily, I note your tag, but am saving your meme for a day or two while this one runs its course.)

Comments

[mrkgnao.livejournal.com]

Dear Penelope,

I’m afraid I am not in much of a position to devote time to my correspondence at the moment because I have recently somewhat unconvincingly betrayed all my colleagues following an orgy of textual misdirection, to say nothing of a pile of first year homework sufficient in weight and heft one could use it to beat Longbottom to death. I know that in my new, sexier role as Double Agent of Darkness (I preferred greasy bad-tempered potions master myself, it at least had a pleasing ring of sincerity and rather less screaming fan girls) I ought to be plotting, scheming and possibly even cackling but I think I’ll leave that to the professionals and get on with what I am actually qualified to do … which happens to be grading this homework and making scathing comments in the margins. It makes me sick to my soul to think I’ve been reduced to this. I would like to think I have better things to do with my time and abilities than squander them on tedious adolescents with their sheep like minds, their disgusting hormonal excesses and their appalling spelling. But, as it turns out, I haven’t.

But because of this latest eye-rollingly inept triple-quadruple bluff on the part of the author, I have precious little plot left to me; and, quite frankly, I’m thinking of settling down with a triple-quadruple whiskey and Muzworthy’s Compendium of Fiendishly Advanced Potions and sitting the next book out altogether. I think it’s the only way any of us are likely to escape with our dignity intact. To tell you the truth, Penelope, I’m growing horrendously bored with the whole drawn-out business. One would think, being caught in the middle of a war as we are, there would be ample opportunity for action, adventure and getting ourselves tortured to death but we’re all at the mercy of the over-arching structure and it seems that the world stops turning every time The Boy Who Lived To Be Incompetent At Potions And Yet Always Get Away With It has a school holiday. The rest of the staff are all for taking advantage of the lull. I believe Professor Sprout and Hagrid have gone to Ibiza. I know. Excruciating isn’t it? I suppose I could possibly benefit from a change of air and scenery but, short of visiting Professor McGonagall up in no-civilised-man’s land of remotest Scotland where, apparently, I am always welcome along with running water and the wheel, I have nowhere to go.

And on that optimistic note, Penelope, I really must surrender to the inevitable and return to my marking. I will send you some of the highlights of inanity in my next letter.

Regards,
SS

[strange-complex.livejournal.com]

Dear Severus,

In exile and still forced to do marking? Talk about getting the worst of both worlds. I had quite imagined you had swanned off to some swanky hide-out where teaching was the last thing on your mind and you were free to indulge in hot, slashy sex with young Malfoy. Sorry to hear it's otherwise.

As for sitting out the next book, I'm afraid I don't fancy your chances. You know perfectly well that it's your destiny to reappear, be redeemed, and then lay down your life heroically in the final conflict. I suggest you enjoy that triple-quadruple whisky while you have the chance. Don't suppose you'd like a drinking companion, would you?

Yours in essay-marking solidarity,

Penelope.

[mrkgnao.livejournal.com]

This is the best game ever!

Dear Penelope

Oh please! You will have me in leather trousers next. The mere idea of shacking up with either Malfoy is enough to make the casual depravity of this latest batch of essays seem trifling. I know it may seem surprising to some that I am continuing, as best I can under the circumstances, to do my job but if the return of the Dark Lord does not interfere with quidditch matches (oh was there ever a more brainless gimmick?) then I see no reason why it should interfere with my marking. I know the way first years think and if they labour under the misapprehension that Hogwarts being overrun with Deatheaters, the demise of the headmaster, their potions master turning traitor and the world dissolving into war and chaos is anything like a sufficient excuse for the arrant folly of most of these essays, well, they would do well to disabuse themselves of it.

I’m sure there is a great deal of speculation as to precisely how I pass my days and nights but I would thank you to firmly quash as the utter nonsense it manifestly is any rumour that couples my name with Malfoy, Lupin, or anyone else for the matter, particularly if they are a teenager and/or repellent (although as a general rule I tend to consider the two states as unalterably intertwined). In truth, I’m rather appreciating the peace, and I assure you that I’m not likely to abandon the principles of a lifetime on a surfeit of solitude and repressed passion. Hah. I’ve never trusted passion. It’s altogether a messy business, and generally inspires people to be more than usually stupid. No, if I have to place my faith in anything, I believe in careful measurements, precise actions, keen observation and rational adaptation. The vagaries of nature can be almost perfectly controlled with sufficient self-discipline. That’s what our Boy Hero keeps refusing to learn. He wears his heart like a bullseye. Merlin, we’re all doomed.

Although, with regard to your gloomy evaluation of my so-called destiny, I should hope that it takes more than authorial malice to dispose of Severus Snape. And as for a drinking companion, I would welcome the distraction but I hope you know me well enough by now not to expect me to be anything other than a greasy git.

Regards,
SS

[libellum.livejournal.com]

Gah, the spoilers! Still, it's my own fault for being so slow to read the damn thing, and this is wonderful. Especially "remotest Scotland where, apparently, I am always welcome along with running water and the wheel". I am still snickering over that one. Encore!

[mrkgnao.livejournal.com]

*glows* Why thank you kindly - I'm sorry for accidentally spoilering you though. I should have drawn attention to it. This is a ludicrous amount of fun, I think it may just be the best meme ever and I usually hate the things.